Friends - advice please

[jazzactivist]

Hi everyone, I have a bit of a strange dilemma at work. A colleague whom I don't like very much, and have had a few disagreements with, unexpectedly confided in me today that she is feeling really lonely and doesn't have any friends. She moved to the rural area that we live in 2 years ago, and this was part of a move to change her lifestyle. Her family and previous friends are very religious and disapprove of her choice to move away and so she has lost contact with them. She has asked me if we could go out together as friends on a regular basis. I suggested that she might like to join a women's group that I am involved in to meet more people, or join the university social club, but she says that as her previous lifestyle was so closed she only feels comfortable with one person at a time, and I seem like the sort of person who has lots of interests and could make a good friend. This is nice of her, but I don't feel very comfortable with her as her manner is very intense and can be quite aggressive. Any advice on how to proceed, I don't want to just refuse or upset her, but also don't fancy the idea of spending evenings or weekends out with her?

[franbee]

Jazza, alarm bells are ringing here. I don't always think it's a great idea getting too close to people at work, and you did say you don't like her very much. I think I would be pleasant at work, maybe have lunch together sometimes on work days, invite her to your groups to introduce her to new people, and tell her how your family/pets/house keep you busy most evenings and weekends. I know it's easy to feel sorry for people, and her behaviour may just be that of a lonely person, but she sounds a bit desperate to me. Tell her about internet forums too. Fran.

[sheddie]

Jazza, I too have had a chap tag onto me whilst walking Jess. At first I thought he was lonely walking his 2 dogs, but then he seemed strange, I can't put my finger on how. I go out of my way to avoid him now and unlike me, totally ignored him yesterday. I know it's different because it's a work collegue, but these people can take over your life, particularly if you're friendly and a good listener.Try to keep your distance by always keeping too busy and I wouldn't go inviting her into your world.I seem like a magnet to anyone strange, I think maybe we're interesting to them. good luck.x

[lily]

A tricky one, especially as you work with her. Have to say I agree with what's been said, tell her you're more comfortable with a mixed group, perhaps she coud meet someone through one of your interests? Its very easy for someone to take over your life- go carefully and don't feel forced into anything you're not at ease with .Hope you can resolve this .

[SheepyJames]

Agree totally wth the above. Definite warning bells here. Good idea to include her in any group jollies but bosom pals - I think not!

[Crocus]

I just wonder why her friends disapprove of her choice to move away! It was her choice wasn't it? If they were true friends they cannot blame her for wanting to change her lifestyle? It seems that the problems lies much deeper than what she mentioned to you.

[Healing Hands]

I seem to agree with Crocus and the others on this one, very tricky. If it was me I would tend to say that at weekends I am busy catching up on other things, but maybe have the odd lunch with her, maybe she may open out to you why she feels lonely and why her family and friends disapprove of her move. Go careful.

[gothfairy]

I have to say I agree with everything everyone has said. I was in a similar situation when a work colleague of my husbands suggested his wife came to see me. She had a six month olf baby, no friends it seemed and he thought I would 'be good for her'. She became very, very clingy, and whilst there is a part of you that is flattered someone likes you, considers your opinions worthwhile, asks your advice and so on, after a while it can be very wearing. If I wasn't home when she phoned, she would ask where I was. If I had been out, she wanted to know where.... you get the picture. Yet at the start she was this really nice young woman, lonely it seemed, but because I was the only one who had shown interest she latched onto me, wouldn't even entertain the idea of group outings to meet other mums in her position. In the end, I was glad we moved away... but also had this little niggle of doubt that maybe I could have done more, been more patient possibly? But I did have a life of my own before knowing her, it's sad she didn't because I think, under different circumstances we might have been friends. But really, if you don't even like this woman and something inside is telling you to back off and not get too involved, then listen to your inner voice, and back away gracefully.

[eleanor2]

what about putting her in touch with a good chat forum.that way you can make friends,have a laugh.no strings attached.i like everybody i am that sort of person.but to go out with some-one as a friend if you have little in common could be difficult.yet it is a shame if she is lonely.

[Katelb]

Having read all the very sound advise offered above,there really is nothing left for me to add,it is an awkward situation,complimentary to you in a very roundabout way since she has obviously singled you out for friendship etc,but a compliment that I am sure you wish had not been payed to you,even indirectly! Hope the above tactics work,and that she finds a suitable kindred spirit to team up with,but from what you say,she seems ,in a way, to be her own worst enemy.

[Serenity]

Hi, it all seems very sound advise you've been given. I too had a similar experience with a collegue. She was a very emotionally draining person with alot of past issues and would phone me at 3 in the morning crying, turn up on my doorstep at any time of day or night. In the end it got very nasty - I ended up with depression and eventually left my job.
All I can say is trust your instincts. x

[dinger]

Think I would be a bit wary in this situation.

[Ma Larkin]

This is a tricky one true....But Im going to throw a spanner in here and say dont close off to the idea alltogether... Perhaps get a couple of other girls and arrange lunch and ask her if she would like to join you,dont ask her out on your own or evenings or weekends , see how you get on in a different environment. She may eventually get used to being around others and not seem so in your face. do it slowly and that way you can see if you are going to like her and get on... A bit like when you meet a bloke you dont want him to think your too keen just incase he not your type.. if you can see where im coming from..... Oh and remember she may end up thinking your not her type of friend either and move on..

Ma larkin

[eleanor2]

what about where she lived before she fell in love with a married man. he had a wife and children in school.so she left to do the honourable thing.she is now sad ,lonely and a bit heart broken.which has made he a bit of a misery to be around. maybe you have showed her a bit of kindness.which has helped her a bit and she thinks your friendship could help her heal and move on............i know this is a bit like our virtual reality assumptions. but you never know........

[sheddie]

Do you want her for a friend? do you want her to frequent places you go? do you want her to meet your friends? do you want to invite her to your home address? Take the 'should's' away, like I should do this for this person and what answers do you come up with? You are not responsible for this person or her life, so if these answers are no then don't start any of them is what i suggest and don't feel guilty either, we don't click with everyone.Be true to yourself. X

[jazzactivist]

Thank-you all so much for your useful advice. It certainly echoes how I do feel about my colleague, which is not to get to involved wth her on a one-to-one basis and encourage her to find a range of friends. She was brought up in, and only mixed with, people in a closed religious cult in a city, but 3 years ago made the choice to break away and come to live and work in a different part of the country. Therefore, she has been cut off by her family and previous friends. You have to admire her for having the courage to do it, but she is now having to adjust completely to a different environments and learn how to interact with people who don't have those beliefs. This could explain her unusual behaviour, but you are right that she is very clingy and has now started to wait for me to arrive at work which is a bit exhausting. Quite a few people who work in universities are very intense with a single focus and not very many social skills, so her behaviour isn't all that out of place at work, but socially is a different matter. I have arranged to go to lunch with her and a couple of other women colleagues next week to see if she blossoms a bit more, and will start a discussion about suggestions of how to meet people directly and online and see what happens.

[eleanor2]

jazz i think you are being very thoughtful even considering this lady and caring about her .even if you just tell her what fun every-one has in these chat rooms you'v shown a helping hand.i think a chat room might help her more than a friendship it is less intense.you can take it on good days leave it on bad.

[eleanor2]

after all look how much we have all helped whiskers......

[Ma Larkin]

Nice one jazz,hope the lunch goes well! Maybe she will get on well with all of you and like i said she may relax a bit, sometimes when people dont have very good social skills its a bit like teaching a child how to interact with their school friends, those that have been to nursery maybe a little ahead of the ones that haven't.

Ma larkin x

[gothfairy]

Despite what I said, and agreeing with what others have said in response, there is a part of me that feels sorry for this woman. Yes, she must have been brave, or scared, to make the break, these cults are apparently very hard to leave, so to do it, leave the cult, security, family, friends and so on, move completely away to a new area, took courage. She will be feeling like a fish out of water for a while, perhaps scared of this new life, maybe even scared that members of the cult will find her? But she comes with baggage, as many of us do, and perhaps knowing what her past was like may have coloured how you react to her? If you didn't know she had escaped from a cult, but had run away from an abusive husband, would you feel any differently towards her? Would the 'sisterhood' thing kick in? Just random thoughts from someone trying to take her mind off a doctors visit this afternoon!!!

[Ma Larkin]

All the best Gothfairy! I be thinking of you.

Ma larkin

[eleanor2]

leaving a cult especially if your family are in it.is has hard to cope with as leaving an abusive husband or losing some-one you love. you lose everything you have ever known.like you say keeping it to a group meeting together leaves it no strings attached,but helps her to meet people in a social setting not work.she might get on with somebody else .i remember i worked with a staff nurse years ago.she was horrid.i saw her the other day.she still had this miserable sour look on her face.i felt sorry for her.she looked old and lonely.