Advise

[Healing Hands]

I may need some advise later on or even now. I had a lovely Saturday, Ken my partner went up to London to see his parents, so I had the day to myself which was bliss. He came back down yesterday morning, but I don't know what to do because although I am very fond of him I am really struggling with my menopause at the moment, lots of migraines, mood swings you know the normal things that go with it. I do know though I am not sailing through it. I also have quite a bit of stress as well that is on going since my hubby died, but I try to deal with it.

Anyway yesterday I really could of done without Ken not being here, but he does not understand and we have been through this so many times now that I know he is getting fed up with it. I say to him I just need sometimes to be on my own but then he takes it personally and says I do not need him anymore. this morning he went off and I said to him text me during the day but all I got was I will call you, which he never does until the evening, so I think he is going to say he has had enough.

I do not want to end the relationship, because at times he is good to be around but then there are days when my menopause gets hold of me and I do not want him or anyone around me.

I hope you do not mind me sending this tread, but I know that we are all good friends now on this site and we are able to talk about many things and you ladies are the only people that I can really talk too.

Well I better get on, otherwise I will be in my jimmy-jams all day like Sheddie yesterday! xx :(

[eleanor2]

healing hands i did a mid life chrisis thread once it helped me a lot.we can't change what we are going through.but it helps to get support and know others are going through or have been through the same thing.i'm n first stages of menopause.i have gone wierd.some days i want to be alone the others i feel like hubby is there but doing his own thing so i feel lonely and bored.yet all is the same as it has been.its like our emotions are heightened.i feel sorry for the men in a way.cus we can be unpredictable for years with our hormones. i just come on here and chat to you all.join the escapism of whatever party is on . then get on with my day trying to be positive.i have planned a special date with hubby in two weeks.all day out .dressed up,eating out having fun spoiling ourselves.forgetting for a day we have lives full of responsibility.

[Healing Hands]

As Ken is not my hubby it is different between us. He is not the type of person that brings brings flower etc and for him to arrange a special day out would be a no go area for him, and I would have to do something like that, but then he would not show his feelings even if I had done a special day. He is not one for dressing up, unlike me and he is not one for good food, unlike me. We do know that we do not have the same common interest, but there are times when we can have fun together but right at this moment it is not fun and I know a lot of it is too do with me and the menopause.

[sheddie]

Hi Healing Hands,understand how you feel and also know that you lost the true love of your life, whom you can't replace.I know how hard you try, but it's a case of would you rather go through life looking back over those good times and always comparing or try to move forward with your new ken?I having been through the menopause and would say the less you try to blame this for your feelings, the better.Try to look upon it as going through puberty, you can't do anything about it. Stop feeling guilty for your feelings about hubby, we all know how hard it is for you, my daughter is feeling so down after a knock back this weekend too. much lovexx

[eleanor2]

healing h.hubby wouldn't arrange anything.i take so much boringness then i say.right lets do this or that.some men just get wrapped up in work and responsibilities.they need to be manouvered in the direction you want them to go.he always enjoys it .men can get set in there ways i think.can you think of something you both enjoy and get out and away from responsibilities.see if the real you 2 gets lost at home.once out you might find you can communicate better and enjoy things better.its hard isn't life changes.i empathise with you.

[Serenity]

Hi Healing Hands, sorry to hear that things aren't going too well at the mo. I don't really know much about the menopause and I just wondered if your partner did. Some of the best of men haven't a clue about womens hormones and maybe he doesn't realise how up and down you feel. Have you explained exactly how you are feeling and the reasons why? I guess its not easy talking about these things. Hope things work out x.

[gothfairy]

Hello Healing Hands,

You sounded really confused, angry too, all the usual feelings women go through at the time of the menopause, when you can swing from one mood to another in the blink of an eye it seems. You say you don't want the relationship to end... are you sure? And why are you hanging on to it, when it seems you have little in common? Is it that you just need someone, anyone, at certain times?
I get the feeling you are a widow, but don't know how long ago this happened, but I do know that you can cling on to the most unlikely people in an effort to prove you are still attractive to the opposite sex, to have male company, attention... all sorts of reasons, but none of them the right ones maybe? And I don't think you can just blame how you feel on the menopause... if it's that bad, have you considered taking anything to help, are you taking HRT?
We can't expect men to understand us when we don't really understand ourselves. Your partner must be feeling totally confused if one minute you want him, then you push him away. Have you sat down with him and explained what changes are happening to you through the menopause? I think most of us have times when we want people around, and when we want our own company... when we actively seek company and when we shun it... and it can have nothing to do with the menopause. You have to tell him, if this is true, that it's not just him you don't want around, that at times you don't want anyone, then ask yourself WHY? If you can find out why you feel like this, maybe it will help. Has something triggered a sad memory...are you feeling physically unwell... you don't have to so why should you?
Maybe some time apart would be good, to try and work out if he's good enough to have around more often, or if you would just like to be friends with him. But talk to him, certainly.

[Healing Hands]

Yes, Serenity Ken does know what I am going through in a way he does understand, but I then he does'nt, does that make sense? We do talk about it the menopause but the subject the gets blown up that I do not want to be with him etc, etc.

Ken does have communication problems but then that stems back from his family no-one seems to communicate that well, unlike my family. We are both two totally different people and although we have a few things in common, we do not have a great deal.

Sheddie I am trying so very hard to move forward with Ken, maybe it is just me and that maybe we are not really suited together and that I am frightened of being alone when I get older! I am not one for going out a socialling on my own and some of my friends get worried that I may go off with their hubby's.

I don't know what the answer is, maybe I am just had a very bad yesterday and today and I need to get all my feelings out.

Thank you all so much for listening to me whinging on.

[dinger]

Hi Healing Hands I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down .We women have a lot to put up with and men get confused as they don't really understand what we are trying to say at times. . I know some chemists have a booklet especially written explaining these awful feelings perhaps it would help if you could get a copy and ask Ken to read it .He may then make allowances for the times you feel the need to have time on your own .You are not alone even though you probably think no one can know how you feel but we are all women and unfortunately it is classed as being our lot so we are all with you .Keep your chin up .

[Healing Hands]

Yes Gothfairy I am a widow have been for just over 4 years now. I know I should not blame the menopause for everything, but I have always been a happy go lucky person and then suddenly I hit the menopause and everything changed, my personality changed too.

I know I have a lot to think about, there are days when everything is fine but then it all just goes out of the window and Ken is not the right person. So yes I am very confused.

Thanks Dinger I will try and keep my chin up today. I hate all this negative feelings, thank goodness I do not have any clients today otherwise I would of passed it all onto them.

Once again sorry for being a pain. xx

[Crocus]

Hi Healing Hands, please, you are not being a pain - you've got a very good reason for feeling the way you do! I can't add very much to everything that already have been said. What helps for me in a difficult situation is to write down what's bothering, for hubby to read. It just feels better and different that way. Perhaps you can try it? I'm also in my menopause, and it's a very complex, and downright uncomfortable, situation most of the time. In my case I still have two teenager boys to deal with, and some days things are a bit hectic here, I can assure you! :confused:

I do hope you and your partner can get clarity on this - it's so important for the both of you! Stay positive and know that this will pass. Hang in there and feel free to cry on our shoulders!! Crocus XXXX :)

[sheddie]

You're not being a pain and I know how hard it is for you! You have my admiration and it is just after a sensitive time when your daughter got married. We are all here for you, moan away if it helps. sheddie X

[dinger]

Here here we all need friends sometimes and as they say a problem shared is a problem halved.

[Oola]

Healings Hands I wonder whether Ken is more suited to just being a companion - a good friend that you spend time with, arrange to go out when you feel like it rather than spending a lot of time. I think you are probably still going through the grieving process in a way, throw in the menopause and of course you're probably going to feel like you're being pushed and pulled in all different directions. Maybe you should say to Ken exactly how you feel, I think once you start talking sometimes you say things that you don't realise you were feeling.

I know you don't want to hurt him either, but if you don't 'click' then it's not the right relationship for you I think. If you do feel that click, then it is. I think for you it's a matter of giving it time, which means that unfortunately Ken is going to have to have some patience with the chance that it might not work out - it's partly up to him whether he's willing to take that chance. It might not be what Ken wants but you can't try and please everybody all the time. You musn't feel guilty for trying to move forward with your life, and at the same time you musn't feel guilty for letting something go if deep down it's not right for you. The thing is, only you can make that decision and maybe it's better to make that decision when you're feel a bit more balanced and settled.

[Healing Hands]

Ah, thank you everyone you are making me feel better already. It is sooooo nice to know that you are all there to listen to me and to each other, how special is this site.

Crocus, yes I will write a letter. I do not know why I have not done this as I have done it before, but that was just after my husband died I wrote him a letter and then buried it in the garden, sounds a bit loopy does'nt it but it did work.

Thanks Oola, for your support too. I suppose for that "click" is quite hard as my husbby was my "soul Mate" so too "click" with someone else is not easy. Ken does have a lot of patience, (something I do not have) so I know he would hang on in there unless he was really certain that he knew that the relainship was not going to work. I know that I have to work at it harder if I want it to work. I just wish my mind was not so muddled with so many thoughts.

[gothfairy]

I am trying so very hard to move forward with Ken, maybe it is just me and that maybe we are not really suited together and that I am frightened of being alone when I get older! I am not one for going out a socialling on my own and some of my friends get worried that I may go off with their hubby's.


If this is true HH, then I feel sorry for you as these friends are showing they are not your true friends at all and this is very disrespectful towards you. True friends would be supporting you, not hoping you settle down with someone, be they appropriate or not, just to protect their husbands from you... says more about their marriages and their own insecurities to me!

[jazzactivist]

Hi Healing Hands, sorry to hear that you are going through a bit of a bumpy patch in your relationship, and glad that you have confided in us your online friends. I think that it is often tempting for a woman to blame herself, including her menopause, when anything isn't going as it should. However, it sounds to me as if what you are experiencing is just the complexity of developing a relationship with a new partner once you are over the first flush of passion. Ken sounds like many other men in that he isn't too demonstrative or a great communicator about his feelings, but is still quite demanding of yours. However, it is important to consider what you need and want out of life and a relationship, and maybe part of your unrest is that you are discovering that you might want something different to what you have but don't quite know what yet. 4 years of being a widow isn't very long to readjust to life as an independent woman, so perhaps cooling things a bit with Ken for a while will give you space to think it through and try out other things. It is understandible that he may feel hurt about this, but if he really cares for you then he will accept it and not be pushy. For his sanity and yours, setting a specified time limit can help eg time to yourselves without seeing one another for one month and then meet up to discuss what you each want from the relationship, or not. I hope that you manage to have a good think about it, and try not to blame yourself or your hormones, it's just a natural part of the healing process and of new relationships.

[Healing Hands]

Oh I know you are right there Gothfairy, with some of my friends and I do know that one or two have some insecuritues of there own, but I just let them get on with it.

My mind is very confused. I have been through a lot lately. I know you must think that after 4 years a maybe should now not grieve so much, but I loved my hubby so much and his death was so very sudden it has or is taking me longer then I thought.

I am sure that this will soon blow over but at the moment I just needed my friends on here. It has been so nice having such lovely support and advise that I have taken all on board.

[Redstart]

Healing Hands, my heart goes out to you but here is some hope for you - when the menopause ends (and it will) your mind will clear and you'll be better able to make decisions about your relationship. And if your partner sticks with you through your menopause, he cares a lot! When I think of what my poor husband went through; I could be in the kitchen cooking happily when a switch in my head was flicked and suddenly the whole world was against me and I wanted to scream and cry (and often did). My husband is also my soulmate but honestly, it made no difference when I was like that. Poor man! So if Ken is prepared to stick with you, wait until the menopause is over to make any life-altering decisions. When it stops it really is like a new life! What we women go through!

[Healing Hands]

Thank you Redstart. for you kind words and "hope". It is good to have you back xx

[gothfairy]

Oh I know you are right there Gothfairy, with some of my friends and I do know that one or two have some insecuritues of there own, but I just let them get on with it.

My mind is very confused. I have been through a lot lately. I know you must think that after 4 years a maybe should now not grieve so much, but I loved my hubby so much and his death was so very sudden it has or is taking me longer then I thought.

I am sure that this will soon blow over but at the moment I just needed my friends on here. It has been so nice having such lovely support and advise that I have taken all on board.

Please, please, if I say anything to you that I hope you take on board let it be this... there is no time limit on grieving. I was widowed when I was 26, left with two small sons, and even now, thirty years on, so happily remarried for most of them, there are still times when I think of my first husband and sadness comes into my heart. He was an amazing man, as is my second husband. It was right for me and our sons to move on, but he knew that it didn't mean we had left him behind, forgotten him. We spoke about it, my late husbad and I, and he gave me a sign that he loved me and wanted me to move on with my second husband.) It is OK to feel sad, it is OK to cry still for the man you loved, and anyone who tells you otherwise, or even hints that 'you should be moving on' hasn't been through the pain of widowhood, of bereavement. You move on when you are ready, and you do it when it's right for you on so many different levels, and when the person you are with is the right one to move on with, and only you can know who that will be, or is.

Please take care of you first, then you can cope with the rest.

[sunflower]

Hi healing Hands, just to say I'm thinking of you today. Take good care of yourself best wishes xxx

[Katelb]

Hi HealingHands,there really isn't much left to add to the VERY sound advise that your other friends on here have offered,but I am thinking of you and sending you some positive thoughts. Take to heart Gothfairy's last sentence above,and take great care of yourself;we have --most of us --been through or are going through the menopause and so can empathise with you on that score,the other factor you must take your time over and I'm sure that you and Ken can look forward to a very happy and companionable future together,right now,you are the important one.

[Healing Hands]

Thank you Gothfairy, for your very kind words and to everyone. You are all wonderful. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up feeling more postive about life. I will take on board all that has been said. LOL xxxx

[dinger]

Oh I know you are right there Gothfairy, with some of my friends and I do know that one or two have some insecuritues of there own, but I just let them get on with it.

My mind is very confused. I have been through a lot lately. I know you must think that after 4 years a maybe should now not grieve so much, but I loved my hubby so much and his death was so very sudden it has or is taking me longer then I thought.

I am sure that this will soon blow over but at the moment I just needed my friends on here. It has been so nice having such lovely support and advise that I have taken all on board.

I agree with all that has been said and would like to add I know how very hard it is when you have loved someone dearly .No other person can ever be the same as there was only one of that person. As others have aready stressed there is no limit on how long we grieve .We just try to keep going the best we can.

[lily]

Not much to add, just to say I'm sorry you're feeling low at the moment .I do wonder if you and Ken have enough in common to make a relationship as opposed to a good friendship? I don't know how much of what you're feeling is due to the menopause- I've always been a stroppy old bag so I don't think it affected me in that way. My daughter-in-law was widowed at a young age, she talks about her first husband to my son and they go together to put flowers on his grave, so in away he is a part of their life together. Just wonder how would Ken react to this? Hope today is better than when you posted?

[franbee]

Just to say I hope you feel better soon. Fran.

[Pippa]

Healing Hands, so sorry you are feeling unhappy. The menopause happened whilst my Mother was dying and then when my husband was diagnosed and died from cancer. I get dreadful low days like you, they seem to appear for no reason, I think being widowed takes a long time to recover from and you never do fully, we were togegther for 35 years, so cannot expect to be back to 'normal' after 2 years or even 4. Bereavement, Menopause and an unsatifactory relationship together, it is not suprising you are feeling down. I understand exactly how you feel about being alone when older, but, I think I would rather be alone rather than with the wrong person. You obviously had a fantastic relationship with your husband, as you said, you were soul mates, you were so lucky to have that. I know that diet affects my moods incredibly and made a lot of difference to my symptons, but only you know in your heart if Ken is right for you. Sorry to ramble, had a c**p day myself, haven't even gone to singing tonight.

[sunflower]

I just want to say that, I think all you ladies who have lost Husbands and children are very brave to carry on, not just existing but seeking to live a full life. Good on you all. All the very best to all of you. Sent with my lovexxxxx

[Crocus]

:)I realised after reading the posts here, that us women are quite strong because of experiences in our lives. Experiences which help us to support one another, even if it's just by listening. That in itself makes me stronger. So many times we think what we are alone in our pain, or grief or hurt,and then realise there's someone else who also feels like us, hurt like us. In a little book I have about friendship, is the following: "Listen gently to each other's sobs; your hearts will know abundant life" :)

[dinger]

What lovely words Crocus and what lovely friends we have here

[Crocus]

:)Yes dear Dinger, I fully agree, we do have lovel friends here!

[sheddie]

H.H. any better today? It was nice to hear from you, be in touch. sheddie X