Grannies? Should they be unpaid help?

[gothfairy]

I am pretty certain that there are several members on here who are grannies, and I would be interested in views on the subject of who raises our grandchildren?

I am a bit annoyed with my son at present as it has been assumed that when his partner gives up maternity leave at six months, then they have grandparents and family to help look after their child. I am annoyed at the assumption we would want to, let alone the fact he ignores that one grannie has arthritis and is in her 60s and the other is in her late fifties with health issues to cope with, one of which makes her rather unsuitable as a carer of a child.

I am going to have to speak to him about this soon, but need to just be careful with my choice of words. I don't mind looking after my grandchild for an hour or so when we take it out or have it here for example, but I refuse point blank to be involved with raising this child on a part time basis.

To my mind, if you can't afford to have children then you should wait. What is the point of having one, then farming it out to all and sundry so that you can go back to work, be that from necessity or just not wanting to be at home all the time after all.

Now there may be some grannies reading this who would be only too happy to be involved fully in the raising of a grandchild. But among my friends I know several who are in this position, against their will, but daren't say anything in case they cause an argument, or offence. I see grannies wheeling buggies, looking worn out with the responsibility at a time in their lives when they should be doing what they want, not what they feel is expected of them.

I am going to stand firm about this, not just because I am not able physically to do this which has been conveniently forgotten, but also because I just don't want to do it. To my mind, this granny is a treat-y grannie, one the child sees once every couple of weeks or so, a visit to look forward to, and is not one to be seen as a replacement mother.

Any views? I bet there are... let's have 'em then!:)

[Ma Larkin]

Hi gothfairy, if i was you i would wait till he next mentions it and laugh and say thats what you think son! and laugh your way out of it if possible!Maybe tell him you wish you could but with your health its just not possible.

I think it unfair of anyone to assume that you will be on hand everyday to look after their kids, after all youve done your fair share of bringing up kids! It your time to relax now, enjoy the grandkiddies but not do it all over again! i can tell you now i wont be when its my turn, dont get me wrong i'll have them over to stay and do things with them but no nanny job!! No way...

[gothfairy]

You're right Ma...this kind of thing, situation, is best handled with humour, and it's the one thing I usually rely on to get me out of a sticky situation, or out of doing something i don't want to do. I can be abrasive, and often things come out my mouth sounding more harsh than even I intended, and it has caused no end of problems in the past, with family and friends, most of whom know me well enough not to be offended - for too long anyway! So I will take your advice oh wise one, and leave it for now.

[Oola]

Well I think as you say it's partly a matter of choice. I know that my mother has said to me point blank that when I have kids she's not going to be a part-time carer for them. She has done her raising the children bit, but at the same time I know that if, when I have children, I want to go away for a day or an evening, and if I give her plenty of warning and arrange my schedule to try and fit in with her, she and Dad would help out in that way. Of course they'll want to be a part of their lives, and take them places and have fun with them, but I understand where you come from with your post. I think the role my mother would have would be not of another surrogate mother, but still a motherly-type role, in that she will want to pass on her interests and skills to the children, and see them a few times a week. I know that seeing my grandmother a lot has meant that I am very familiar and comfortable with her, and we have a good relationship but I still respect her. My Dad loves kids, he winds them up something silly and was always great with his imagination and being silly when we were young - I think he'll really look forward to having grandchildren around.

Sometimes I think that there are situations where the child (of the grandparent) gets into difficult situations, whether it be with marriage/relationship problems with their partner or some such thing, and there can seem to be no other choice but the grandparent to step in and help. It's more about individual cases - I don't think anyone should ever just assume that the grandparents will help out with childcare, but sometimes if there's no other option then perhaps the grandparents feel that they ought to give up their free time to help their children? As I'm not a parent or grandparent I can't say, so this is purely speculative. I think it's a case of planning, preparation and the realisation for many parents that the life and freedom they once had before having children has to be compromised, and that their parents are not a free and easy babysitting service. But then that's not to assume that those parents who ask their parents to help with the children automatically assume that either.

I hope that all makes sense, lol!

[gothfairy]

Perfect sense Oola, so either you are really sensible or we're both nuts! But I too want to teach my granddaughter skills like knitting and baking, how to read, spend time with her in the garden, doing crafts as well mainly because neither her mother nor maternal grannie have any interest in these things, and we also want to take her out. But just not all the time. I had a close relationship with my paternal grandmother, she was the only grandparent I had, but we were very close, and there is a very special relationship to be had between grandmother and granddaughter.

[Crocus]

Hi Gothfairy, I'm not a gran yet, but I agree with you. I also would not like to raise any grandchildren because I already raised my own! As you say, if there's an emergency, or they want to go out for an hour or so, and perhaps an evening now and again, that's fine, but not to be responsible for raising the little ones. I didn't have my parents near me when I had my boys, so it was me and hubby and that was that. Mom in law worked and didn't live near us as well. A very dear friend of mine who also works during the day, many times has to look after her grandkids and I know it annoyes her as well.

[Ma Larkin]

Well its no good worring about it till the littleone's here and situations change all the time, just dont be forced into anything your not comfortable with!

I never had my mother to help with any of my kids but thats because she lived in newcastle and i lived in the midlands, there were times when i could have done with her help and i know she would have liked to see the kids more, but thats not to say she hasnt been a rock to me especially when ive needed and still do -her Invaluable advice!

Ma larkin

[jazzactivist]

Hi Gothfairy, I think that everyone so far is right and that it isn't grandparents' place to be part-time child carers. You have done the job of raising your own children and should now have an independent life of your own, not tied to set family commitments any more. I think that Grandparents should only spend 'quality time' with their grandchildren, on an agreed basis, and in that way you are free to develop a supportive relationship with your grandchildren to do the thngs that you and they enjoy without being responsible for their day to day requirements. I agree with you that people should plan how they can go about caring for any children that they have for 18 years before they decide to have any. You may have to reinforce the humour approach several times, or start off by saying that you have something else on when your son first starts asking you to step in as carer, but offer to come round to their house now and then to spend a lovely hour with the child when they get in from work so that they can cook, relax etc for a while uninterrupted. Then they will be forced to find alternative child care from early on and will always be able to use this in future, and you won't be tied by their expectations. Good luck with the diplomacy.

[Katelb]

Hi Gothfairy and all who have answered,if everything goes according to plan,we will be grandparentsby the end of the year and the topic of 'childminding' has been discussed.When the 6 months is up,my daughter is hoping to go back to work for 2 and a half days a week,I offered to deal with one of those days,or the half day perhaps,and other granny would like to join in too ;I think we both feel that paying a childminder is just not on,and my daughter can pick and choose when she works so obviously if we had other fish to fry as it were then she would have to choose an alternative time to work,and she no intention of going back full time ever so for the moment we are happy with the proposals. Do hope you get your situation sorted Gothfairy,I think the others have given very sound advise.

[CountryLady]

Hi everyone.
My mother was 48 when her first grandchild was born and sadly she is now in a nursing home in cloud cuckoo land.
She has never, ever in her life babysat any of her grandchildren because she always said that wasn't her job.
I used to think it a bit harsh and my sisters were up in arms about it but now I take my hat off to her for sticking to her guns.
Good luck Gothfairy!

[eleanor2]

hi its me and you know me by now.....but i am young and fit.so having the grandchildren is a pleasure. when i see older grannies having the children to much and getting upset with them because it takes it out of granny.i think that is sad.cus instead of the pleasure granny time.its stressed out worn out time.we have grandson every week-end nowhe is at school.cus we had him a lot as a baby hubby bonded with him as well as me.so hubby goes pick him up earlier sat morning than he has to.takes him car boot.they then clean hubbies van out together etc.so goth i think you are right but be tactful and the jokey way is best.cus when little un comes you might be surprised how much you love being a granny.

[gothfairy]

Eleanor2.... I won't be at all surprised how much I will love our granddaughter when she arrives... they had a special 4d done the other week, and this baby is SO cute!!! Yes, I know... I would say that. But just because I will love her to bits doesn't mean I have to want to help raise her does it? The 'quality time' that was mentioned has always been my aim, and I will stick to it, and not be blinded by unconditional love for either my son or besottedness with granddaughter.

[Oola]

My mum has said categorically that she's not going to be known as 'gran', 'granny;, 'nannie', 'nan', 'nana' or 'grandma'. So I don't know what else that leaves really - we have an Italian 'nonna' somewhere in the family - hah!

[Katelb]

Oola ,you Mum could always become the dowager!! 'Dow' for short,but maybe she would be insulted rather than complimented by the title!

[Oola]

I think if we called mum a dowager, dad would be more insulted!!!!

She hits 50 next year, I think it's all tied up with that. She hits half a century, and I shall be hitting a quarter of a century!

[eleanor2]

oh just one more thing.my mum inlaw had my son 2 days a week.as i did 2 nights a week as a nurse.she had retired but had good health. when he went school she had him weekends. when son had a son.she said a surprising thing, she said i am not getting close to great grand son cus it hurts when you dont see them as much when they start school. she has got close to great grandson.the thing is her home is an extension of my sons.he still goes every saturday and one week night. does his car in the garage. then does any jobs grandad asks him do. he kisses his nan bye every time. she is 86 and just in first stages of senility.son is brill with her. she doesn't get on his nerves repeating everything 20 times.he will joke with her about it and get her laughing.so i suppose she is now reaping the benefit of her years of having her grandson.

[Katelb]

Oola,I hadn't thought of that I must admit,but dowager to me means a senior member of a family and meant as a term of respect because of it! however I admit its a bit pompous for a lady as young as your Mum.
I bet when the time comes,your children will think of a super acceptable nickname for her which doesn't involve all the 'Granny' business.:):)

[lily]

I felt exactly the same as Gothfairy and said as much to my son and his partner- ad hoc baby sitting but I WON'T bring him/her up for you. They respected this and reiterated this several times during the course of the pregnancy. Well, he's here now and I found myself (after due discussion with husband) offering a day's care once a week. In fact it was husband's idea initially- he was horrified at the prospect of HIS grandson going to a nursery. Result=the offer was accepted without any hesitation, now that my almost a daughter-in-law may delay her return to work for a few more months I'm quite disappointed!
I must say I agree with the principle of if you can't afford them then don't have them.However it isn't always as simple as that, often it takes 2 incomes to get just a toe hold on the property ladder. I do however see friends burdened with grandchildren- all weekend (including nights) and doing the school run + after school care. So at the moment I'l stick with my 1 day per week offer and see how we go.

[sunflower]

Well, I'm a Nanny to two darling girls who I see once or twice a week. We visit places to see animals, play on the beach and to arts, crafts and cooking at our home. There is a strong possibility that my son and daughter-in -law will separate and divorce, so my greatest fear is that of many Grandparents in the UK. We will be denied access to our lovely grandchildren. Grandparents have no authority or say when families split, and this is the other side of the coin. I think it is to do with culture. If we lived in the Philipines for example, this thread would not have been posted, simply because there is a different family set up there and in other countries. The important thing is, that our grandchildren know who we are, where we are and how to contact us. And above all know that we love them dearly.xxxx

[sunflower]

I also want to add, that when my Mom died when I was two years old, My Grandparents travelled to Canada to bring me back to the UK. For one thirs of my childhood I lived with two elderly very harsh Aunts, a spell in a children's home and the remaining time with my Gran. Grandad died when I was four. Gran went into mourning for him for fourteen years, and became like the lady(cant remember her name) in Great Expectations except without the wedding dress and cake. I can remember making that comparison when I was nine! Anyway, although very eccentric and wacky at times, she did the best she could for me. Included me in everything. Taught me to play the piano, to embroider, learnt to love fabrics, and colour, and art, and the importance of reading. Later in her life, I was able to show her my love in a tangible way by becoming her main Carer. I loved my Gran and she loved me. And that is the most important thing, that grandchildren know they are loved by their grandparents and grandparents know their grandchildren love them. Different cultures, different ways, same love.xxxxxx

[Crocus]

I think grandparents play a vital role on children's lives, when thinking back to the time when my sister's kids and mine were little. She used to ply hide and seek with them, crawled on the floor with them, told stories, read them stories, had 'fancy dress' times with them, played the piano for them while singing away. There's much to learn from grandparents. My sister's two little ones usually visited my mom and dad for a few days during the school holidays and we had great fun with them. When I got married and moved away they also came to visit me for the odd weekend. I used to go to the zoo with them, went to the Wimpy to have a milkshake with them etc. My kids were born much later because of a 10-year gap between my sis and me, which means my mom also being much older, but she did all the things with Jaco which she did with my sister's little ones. Sadly when the twins came along, things had changed quite a lot, and I regret that the boys missed out on quite a lot with granny. When Jaco was born, mom and dad also moved away very far from us (1 600 km in fact!) so regular visits were impossible. When they visited us or vica versa, she did what she could they played their days away. Now my mom is nearly 90 years old, doesn't know me or anyone at all. I remember last year when Jaco passed, that was so utterly difficult, not to be able to tell my mom that her grandson had died! Or that I could just go to her for a hug and a cry.

The love of grandparents are vital I think, it enriches children's lives. A good loving relationship with your grandkids may also mean a different kind of bonding with your children.

[gothfairy]

I do agree that with Crocus, that the love of grandparents is vital, and my grandchild will certainly know she is loved. I have to say I envy, to a degree, those grannies who can crawl on the floor, play rough and tumble and so on. I can't....and my health is just one small reason why I can't/won't offer to help with the day care of the child. It has been interesting to read everyone's views on the subject, thank you.

[jazzactivist]

Glad that all the comments have supported your decision, gothfairy. Having grandchildren must be lovely, but only if you can give them back when you want to! Just to get back to Oola's comment about what to call them. My partner's mum is called "Big Mama" by our nephew and nieces, because she is actually really tiny in stature. She loves the title and so do they.

[Crocus]

Please let us know when the little one is born, won't you? We've got to know! You are going to be one proud Gran!

[gothfairy]

Please let us know when the little one is born, won't you? We've got to know! You are going to be one proud Gran!

'Summer' is due in January!!!:D

[Crocus]

Not that long a wait then!